Monday, July 4, 2011

Dark of the Moon Predictions Revisited!

So I recently viewed Transformers 3:Dark of the Moon, and you can read my review of it soon. But before I saw the movie, I made some predictions about the plot. How well did I turn out? Find out and see! Spoilers abound!
Fun Fact: I erased the pencil only to realize it looked too clean and then proceeded to add more pencil!

Shia Labeouf Predictions:

Prediction: Sam Witwickey just can't seem to get his life together, even though he's surrounded by robots. He's struggling for a job and possibly an apartment now.
Verdict: Called it!

Sam is a recent college graduate and just can't seem to find a job. He's living off his rich hot girlfriend, he can't get an interview, no one knows or cares who he is, and even his parents are dumping on him.  I actually like this idea because it mirrors what a lot of kids getting out of college are going through, but for Sam it just doesn't make sense.

Prediction: He goes through the movie relearning the same lesson he learned in the previous two movies, a.k.a. he wants to have a normal life but must accept he has to do great things.
Verdict: Eeeeehhhh?

At the start he actually wants to be great and do great things, but honestly I'm not sure what the overall lesson was. That people shouldn't crap on him? That he should just be happy with what he's got(namely a rich hot girlfriend)?

Prediction: His dad still doesn't trust him with responsibility, even though he's saved the world twice.
Verdict: Called it!

His parents are more worried about him getting a job than how many times he's saved the world. You'd think he'd go, "Son you've saved the world exactly two more times than I did, I feel completely inadequate next to you!" at least once, but no. It's never enough. HOW MANY TIMES MUST I SAVE THE WORLD BEFORE YOU LOVE ME DADDY?!

Prediction: Everyone dumps on him and no one treats him as a celebrity, even though he's close personal friends with giant transforming robotic aliens that everyone obviously knows about.
Verdict: Called it!

This is weird because A) no one knows that he saved the world twice, but B)everyone somehow knows and has come to terms with the transformers being real. You'd think someone would recognize him or he'd capitalize off it like John Turturro somehow did(he wrote a book, has Alan Tudyk as an assistant and appears on Bill O'Reily), but no. Because the story called for him to be in the dumps at the start. This is just like the beginning of Ghostbusters 2, with everyone doubting the existence of ghosts right after they'd all sen them.

Prediction: He spends half the movie running around yelling, "No no no no no no no!"
Verdict: Eeeehhhhhhh?

He doesn't do his patented "no no no" dance, but he does needlessly freakout and spazz out everywhere over everything. And it really ruins his performance.

Prediction: He hangs out with trash talking "humorous" transformers that are NOT SKIDS AND MUDFLAP AT ALL(kind of a cheat as I just saw a TV spot with a tiny trash talker riding a dog).
Verdict: Called it!

remember Wheelie from the last movie? The small decepticon that transformed into a toy truck that got tortured by Meagan Fox? He's back with a new pal, "Brains" and they're not racist, but they are stereotypically annoying.  How annoying? So annoying that they get onto a decepticon battle cruiser and take it down from the inside! Wait, what?

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley Predictions:

Prediction: He falls in love with Carly Miller(Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) almost instantly, for no real reason other than she's gorgeous.
Verdict: Called it!

He falls for her just after he gets his medal for saving the Earth from Obama(Hardy har har). She's an intern, and obviously he falls in love with her for her smart political stance and her quit witty humor. Oh wait, it's just because she's a hot blonde in glasses? ANd she just spends the whole rest of the movie being eye-candy for every other male? Oh...

Prediction: The Decepticons find out that he cares about her somehow and capture her, and he has to sacrifice himself or something important in a stupid act to save her.
Verdict: Called it!

Midway through the movie, she gets captured by the evil humans, and the only way to spare her is for Sam to get Optimus to spill his battle plan beans. And then later, Sam has to lead a ragtag army into downtown decepticon filled Chicago so he can rescue her. And blow up some doohickey, but who cares. "I'm coming pouty lips!"

Prediction: She's just as stiff as Meagan Fox and still can't keep her mouth closed(has anyone seen the two of them in the same room together?!).
Verdict: Called it! (Seriously, have you?!)

No, she's totally different than Meagan Fox.  She's blonde and smart and has an english accent!  *zoom into gratuitous panty butt shot*  Goddamnit.

Transformers Predictions:

Prediction: The nascar inspired Wreckers will be "humorously" white trash and get more dialogue than most of the other transformers.
Verdict: Wrong!

I was actually surprised about this one. They're not stereotypical white trash.  They're stereotypical foreigners!  Seriously, one's an Aussie, and one's Irish. There's a third silent one, who I'm guessing was jamaican but they pulled the voice with all the twins fiasco popped up.  Y'know honestly I wouldn't have minded this if they were muscle cars based off of Australian carsploitation films, but they're nascar cars. And they're aliens! Why do they have accents at all?

Prediction: At least one of the Wreckers will say "Get 'er done".
Verdict: Wrong!

Goes with the last one.

Prediction: Shockwave will have the very important role of opening the space bridge and firing his laser once, and then never being seen throughout the movie again.
Verdict: Eeeeehhhh?

He has a little more screen time than I thought he would, but not by much. Also, he seems to growl like a mechanical bear for some reason instead of having actual lines. Also also, he's somehow part of the gigantic mechanical worm?  So basically, he pops in and out of the tentacle worm thing(take that as you will) fires some shots at some guys, then stumbles around as he gets killed by Marines. HOORAH!

Prediction: Soundwave is still circling the globe as a satellite, everyone just forgot he was there. He gets no screen time in the movie.
Verdict: Wrong!

I'm actually semi glad he gets some screen time here. He's actually one of the main decepticons you can identify, and even Laserbeak plays a part. I say semi-glad because he has a mediocre design and I wouldn't know it was him unless he was specifically named, and he's voiced by Dr. Claw, which is a strange fusion of childhood memories(Is Laserbeak Madcat?!) Also strange, Laserbeak can talk, goes on a murderous rampage, and for some reason turns into a pink bumblebee clone to talk to a little girl. Wait what?

Prediction: more dog on transformer humor, I'm fully expecting a dog to hump one of the smaller ones.
Verdict: Eeehhhhhh?

Well Wheelie rides Carly's dog and badmouths him as a bodygurad, but there is no humping or peeing in sight, thankfully.

Prediction: That giant work that rips a building in half will have robot vagina and boobs(insert hentai joke here).
Verdict: Wrong?


Prediction: Bumblebee dies in a completely useless way, probably sacrificing himself to save Sam. This is done not for any narrative standpoint, but merely to show how dark and brutal the third installment is.
Verdict: Eeeehhh?

No Bumblebee doesn't die. Almost! There's actually this really disturbing scene near the end where the decpticons capture a bunch of autobots including Bumblebee and are holding them as prisoners while everything else is blowing up around them. Just as I'm thinking, "Why are they holding them as prisoners? Shouldn't they just kill them?", one of the evil humans runs up and goes, "Idiots! Kill the autobots already!" and then they go, "ok!"

The dramatic music starts playing, soundwave kills one of the lesser known transformers, then he's about to shoot Bumblebee execution style, while Sam watches and does nothing. They just sort of stand there for a couple of minutes while I sit and wonder, "Really? Are they going to kill this guy and traumatize these kids?", but then a ship drops on them and Bumblebee's ass gets Deus Ex Machina'd.

Oh! BUT. They do kill off a transformer in a needless and stupid way just to show how dark it is!  SPOLER ALERT: Sentinel Prime is evil. When he switches sides, he shoots Ironhide, and really just goes to town on him until Ironhide is rusting away. I say this is needless because A) he's already down, so if he was doing it just to get away, he could have escaped then and B) his whole reason for being evil is for the good of Cybertron to end the war, so I really don't see how this is in his character. ALSO, right after he kills Ironhide, Frances McDormand comes along and stars bitching at him. And he lets her live. Why? He likens transformers to gods and wants to turn humans into slaves, yet he kills one of his own kind who was just doing his job but lets the most annoying woman in the world live? Really?!

Prediction: Sentinel Prime will appear, do stuff, then sacrifice himself to give Optimus more power.
Verdict: Wrong!

Wow, I was so wrong about this one. SO very wrong. This is one of those times where I'm disappointed that I'm wrong. Not because it's necessarily a bad plot point, just because it doesn't make sense.  Sentinel Prime is supposed to be secretly evil and working with Megatron to end the war for the good of all transformer kind, but none of this is alluded to before hand. There's no talk of, "why do you take orders from humans? They are an inferior race!" and at one point Optimus offers Sentinel the Matrix of Leadership, to which Sentinel refuses. If you know you are going to turn evil later, why wouldn't you just take it? Then later Optimus would be all like, "Oh man, and I totally gave that guy my Matrix of Leadership!" And it really doesn't make sense that he would continue to be evil when the war is over. And how would the humans work as a slave labor? I wish instead there was a device that could turn humans into energon power ala the robots in the Matrix.

Prediction: There will be transformers from the original show making cameos, but considering they'll all look the same and have less than a second of screen time each, the only way to find out will be to go home and read the transformers wiki.
Verdict: Called it!

Like I said earlier, if they didn't name Soundwave by name, I wouldn't have been able to tell the difference. Also, there are a bunch of decepticons they fight in the background, who could be from the show, but looking at their designs, who's to say? And is Dino from the original series? I defiantly don't remember a french italian transformer.

Prediction:Optimus and the rest of the Autobots leave Earth to draw the decepticons away, providing an ending that can be an end to the trilogy or open ended for the unneeded fourth movie.
Verdict: Wrong!

They leave the Earth halfway because the Decepticons force them, but then they come back, and have to stay because their homeworld is destroyed. By Bumblebee.  Wait, what?

Prediction: Either Galvatron or Unicron will be hinted at near the end.
Verdict: Wrong!

Nope. Megatron was actually a whiny little bitch in this one. Seriously, he wears a rag to cover his scar, gets a talk down by Sentinel, gets tricked into shooting Sentinel by Carly(no seriously), and then gets his spine ripped out by Optimus.  Poor guy I guess.

Prediction: (possibly hopefully)Megatron is killed, Starscream takes over, it's hinted in the credits he gets reborn as Galvatron.
Verdict: Eeeehhh?

Megatron does die, but Starscream also kicks the bucket, and he's even more sniveling and grovely than ever leadign up to it. There's no hint of Galvatron or Unicron, sadly.

Other Predictions:

Prediction: The evil looking lady Frances McDormand plays turns out to actually be a Decepticon(y'know, I don't actually think that will happen, but remember in the last movie a human girl turned out to be a transformer and then no one talked about it ever? Wouldn't that be cool if they actually used it for something this time?!).
Verdict: Eeeehhh?

My second part was right, everyone just forgot that transformers can turn into humans. And she wasn't evil, just incredibly incredibly annoying.

Prediction: John Turturro is back being the good annoying character. He's mostly annoying.
Verdict: Eeeehhh?

Yes he is back, but strangely, he's not the most annoying person in this movie. I'm not sure if that's becuase he's less anoying or because everyone else was just so much more annoying. Seriously, compared to McDormand, that was almost good acting. And I kind of liked his character arc: first movie he's on top, second he's on the bottom, this one he's rich but still kind of crazy.

Prediction: There's another great Mcguffin that will destroy/save the Earth depending on whose hands it's in, half the movie will be about the Autobots finding it, then they lose it to the Decepticons and spend the rest of the movie trying to get it back. And then they destroy it.
Verdict: CALLED IT!

Oh man, just reading this last one back, I'm even surprised at myself I was able to get this right. Or am I surprised that Michael Bay is just that bad at storytelling?  Well anyways, this movie's great McGuffin is the space bridge, which is the key to ending the Autobot/Decpeticon war somehow. But honestly how?

Ok, it's a teleporter that can get a large group of objects from point A to point B, but it shouldn't be that important. A) They're all beings that can transform into modes of transportation and can even breath through space, and B) if we're to believe the beginning of the movie, Sentinel Prime's ship gets shot down leaving Cybertron, then crash lands on the moon five minutes later, so Cybertron can't be all that far away for a damaged ship to travel.

So yes, they discover it and try to acquire it during the first act, lose it when Sentinel turns evil in the second act, then spend the third act trying to get to and destroying it.  Oh and how is it going to destroy the world? By bringing Cybertron here for some reason(which actually did happen in the original cartoon, so I can't complain). But what I don't get is that Sentinel uses it to activate a portal on the moon for all the decepticons to jump through and start wrecking DC.  You'd think that would be good logic, until you realize A) in the first movie they just crashed into the Earth as Metorites, so they could jsut do that, B) They are flippin' transfomers and could all just TRANSFORM into ships, it's really not all that far C) you see giant gunner ships come through the portal, so they could have just rode those down, and D) not half an hour earlier, they just had photographic proof that the decpeticons had been to the moon to gather resources and went back to Earth, so there's really no reason for them to be chilling on the moon to begin with.

And honestly, I think it would have been much cooler if instead of riding through the portal, Sentinel or Megatron just got on a megaphone and yelled, "Stand up, my fellow decepticons! STAND UP AND CONQUER!" And all over Earth, vehicles just started ejecting humans, stood up on legs and started blowing the crap out of everything, causing mass hysteria that humans could no longer trust any machine ever again.  But no. Perhaps in the reboot in two or three years.

So I did pretty evenly, out of 24 predictions, 8 called, 8 ehhs, and 8 wrongs. Not bad. This was fun! I should do this again for another movie.  What about you guys?  How did your predictions turn out?

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