Friday, July 8, 2011

Sketched Fiction: Transformers Dark of the Moon

Have written enough about Transformers already? Probably. Is this going to make Transformers any better of a film? Definitely not.  Am I still going to complain about it on the internet some more? Decidedly so. I wanted to try something new today, since I'm a writer and I love fiction, I'd thought I'd be a little pompous and write how I think the third installment should have gone. Spoilers, ranting, and crazy bayformer fan fiction ahead!

My variations of the Michael Bay designs of Megatron and Optimus. I loved the R.I.D. version of Optimus and I've always pictured Megatron as a tank with a big-ass railgun.  Look at those and tell me they aren't cool!

What really dissapointed me about the movie was the last big fight. Not the actual fight itself mind you, the idea behind it. Let me set up how it goes.

Sentinel Prime's spaceship crash lands on the moon in the 60's while it's carrying the one thing that will end the Cybertronian War, the space bridge.  The Transformers revive Sentinel, but then it turns out that Sentinel was going to make a deal with Megatron to end the war, so he turns on Optimus,  and joins the Decepticons. Also, humans are working with Decepticons.  Sentinel Prime activates the space bridge and opens a portal up on the moon, then a whole mess o' random Decepticons wake up, jump on battle ships, and fly through the portal to completely wreck up Chicago and DC.

Let's start with the obvious questions: Why did they even need the space bridge? Couldn't they just fly in their big ass battleships from the moon to earth? Couldn't they transform into ships and fly, or meteorites and crash into earth like the first one? What were they even doing chilling on the moon to begin with? Snorting moon dust?

So without further ado, here is my version of the movie. I'm going to try to stick to the basic storyline they have.

The set up at the start: It's been a few years since the last battle from the second movie.  Everyone knows that the transformers exist and they're aware of the Autobots' presence.  No one has seen a single decepticon since the last battle, and some people are even getting tired of these huge lumbering robots walking around destroying property and worry that their presence on the planet may invite Decepticons in the future(this was only hinted at in the movie, in one small clip). A group of humans are even lobbying get the transformers to leave the Earth entirely.

Sam is a semi celebrity and he has a trumped up government job as liaison to the Transformers, but he really just wants to chill with his big metal bros.  All he does is go on talk shows and explains why the Autobots are the good guys and why people should constantly pay for them Baysploding public buildings(NOTE: he actually uses the word "Baysploding")

Then one of they find out about the crash.  The Government was hiding it from them because they still don't trust the Autobots.  After seeing pictures of the crash, Optimus identifies it as Sentinel Prime's ship, explaining how he was working on some invention that would end the Cybertronian War, but it was rumored he was shot down somewhere by Decepticons. Sam and other Autobots want to check it out, but Optimus says no, because he doesn't want to desecrate his former leader's 'burial site'.

Prime: "Sentinel was a good leader, his death shall be mourned.  I will leave him to his rest. Out of honor. Or something."

Ratchet: "Shouldn't we go up and investigate?"

Prime: "...what? Naw man that's...psh that's crazy talk. You crazy Ratchet, you crazy."

Ratchet: "But shouldn't we go up and investigate why it crashed on the moon alllll the way from Cybertron?"

Prime: "No I'm sure its fine. It's just a completely random occurrence. Seriously. Don't touch anything."

Ratchet: "Hey, don't you have that Matrix of Leadership thing that magically brings transformers back to life for no reason? Couldn't we go up and bring back Sentinel Prime with-"


Then Sam notices strange things happening within the government. The head of the lobby to send away the Autobots keeps butting heads and people are mysteriously disappearing.  There's some strange thing happening somewhere, and Sam being paranoid that he is, thinks it's the Decepticons and wants to check it out.  Optimus doesn't want him to, telling him that the humans already don't trust him and to lay low.  But Sam knows better! He and BumbleBee head out to check out what's going on, along with the wreckers(who just want to blow stuff up), and surprise! It's a a Decepticon! It's Shockwave blowing up major buildings. The Autobots are busy trying to save people but the damage is done, Shockwave magically disappears, and the Autobots are blamed for the destruction.  With everyone all over the world freaking out about their little Baysplosion, the government has no choice but to force the Transformers to leave the planet.

Obviously Sam freaks out, is out of a job, and is universally hated by everyone. So much so that he has to move back in with his parents.  The Autobots are angered, but they reluctantly leave.

Just as their ship is leaving the atmosphere, a laser shoots out of a satellite and blows the ship to smithereens. The satellite crashes to the Earth in a major city and transforms to reveal to be Soundwave. He releases his tiny minions and immediately starts blowing shit up.

The Army is not pulling any punches this time around, they release jets, tanks, humvees, a shitton of Marines, Seal team 6, and even put an aircraft carrier next to the city's port.  They roll tanks to Soundwave's position.  He stops at a single tank.  It looks like the tank is about to fire, but then stops dead. We hear soldiers in the tank go, "what's happening? What's going on?" Then all at once, it transforms, crushing the screaming soldiers, and stands up to reveal Megatron! (You're welcome Hasbro.)

Everyone stops to see and camera crews race to get a picture of him. In a big booming voice, he gives an evil speech about the stupidity and gullibility of humans. Then finally he says, "Rise up my Decepticon Brothers! RISE UP AND CONQUER!"

All over the world, cars, planes, trucks, houses, buildings, all stand up reveal themselves to be decepticons and start to blow shit up. Then comes a sequence where everyone just starts freaking the fuck out. No one can trust any mechanical device anymore! It's sheer pandemonium!

"Oh god! Robot aliens! Get to the car and we'll drive to-OH GOD THE CAR IS AN ALIEN! Get back inside the house! We'll hide in the-OH GOD THE HOUSE IS AN ALIEN TOO! Let me call my mom so I can tell her not to get in the-OH GOD MY PHONE IS AN ALIEN IS NOTHING SACRED?! Lemme just check my laptop for any updates on-OH GOD."

No one can trust any machine! In a glorious Baytacular sequence, the aircraft carier just off of the port starts shaking.  Everyone on board is worried that they're under attack, until they all hear that sound, that undeniable sound...someone yells "abondon ship!" and they all jump off in time to look in horror as the entire massive arcraft carier transforms into Tidal Wave! WHAT. (You're welcome Hasbro.)

Then Sam in the middle of all this mayhem somehow runs up to the leader of the lobby group against the Autobots and yells, "See what you've done?!" But then she tilts her head a bit and goes, "Oh sam, I agree with you completely.  Transformers are dangerous. YOU HAVE NO IDEA." And then she FREAKING TURNS INTO ONE. And the other humans explain how they had no choice to work with them because they could never be sure who or what was a decepticon!  And Sam goes, "WHAT NOT AGAIN." And everyone in the audience goes NO WAY BRO and Michael Bay goes YES WAY BROSIF THAT JUST HAPPENED.

Then everyone just LOSES THEIR SHIT.  It's utter panic and Megatron is just loving it. Sam grabs a gun and starts shooting at him shouting, "Why would you do this?! They're not even here! You won!" But then Megatron explains, "why, we need your planet for the energon. Don't you see it? It's all around us!"

Sam: "what?! air? water? oil?!"

Megatron: "No, insect. YOU."

And Sam goes, "WHAAAAAAAAAA?!" And then Megatron expositionates that Sentinel Prime was working on a machine that could end the Cybertronian War, a machine that could turn organic life into pure energon. It was lost in the war, but when the Decepticon spy found out about Sentinel Prime's crash  on the moon earlier, he knew the machine would be on his ship! And everyone goes "GET THE FUCK RIGHT OUTTA HERE." And Megatron goes "NO REALLY BRO." And The Matrix goes "CALLED IT."

And then Megatron grabs Sam and says, "I (and everyone else watching these movies) have been waiting to do this for so long..." He's about to put him in the machine when Josh Duhamel driving up in a firetruck points his finger and yells, "HOLD IT!"(you're welcome Phoenix Wright fans.)

Megatron: "You really think you can stop me with that toy, insect?!"

Josh Duhamel: "Not me, him."

Then the Firetruck stands up to reveal itself to be OPTIMUS FUCKING PRIME.  And all over the city the Autobots in completely different vehicle forms with new weapons transform and start taking down Decepticons and everyone in the Hasbro toy department just LOSES THEIR SHIT.

Optimus Falcon punches Megatron in the face and rescues Sam, and explains that he knew about the machine, that Sentinel Prime was flying to Earth to turn all the insignificant humans into energon to win the war, and that Optimus is the one that shot him down because he couldn't let his superior end any life. Because "all life is sacred." He didn't want anyone to find the machine, least of all the Decepticons. And Sam just LOSES HIS SHIT. Optimus also explains how the military actually hid them and set up a dummy shuttle because fuck politicians. And they couldn't tell Sam because he's a huge whiny blabbermouth who freaks out all the time.

What entails his a massive Baytastic battle between Decepticons, Tidal Wave, Megatron, Optimus, the Autobots, and the military. It's sheer chaotic war. The machine is destroyed, the Autobots are victorious, and Megatron is near death. He motions for his troops, but Starscream yells, "Decepticons! RETREAAAAT!" And they all leave him surrounded by Autobots.  Prime stands victorious.

Prime: "You will never win with your treachery Megatron. Yield!"


In a final act of strength, Megatron jumps up, transforms into a space jet, and tries to fly away.  Just then Josh Durhamel fires a rocket at him, he tailspins out of the atmosphere, and there's a huge explosion. Josh Durhamel says something like "And stay out!" or "Don't mess with Earth!" or "HOORAH BITCHES."

Post battle, everyone agrees the Autobots need to stay on Earth to find, hunt, and destroy the rest of the Decepticons. The Autobots agree to stay and make a special secret task force, but say no human can no about them. "You may not ever see us, but know, that we are there." Each of the Autobots is seen in a compelty differnet vehicle form again(You're welcome Hasbro). Sam, is hurt, betrayed, and decides to finally settle down. He's lamenting the loss of his friend Bumblebee, when he notices a yellow volswagon bug drive up and beep at him. He gets in. FADE TO BLACK BITCHES.


Mid way through the credits, the charred body of megatron is seen floating through the vacuum of space. He's barely alive. He comes to what looks like a giant moon. Then a bright light shines from the moon onto megatron and all his parts starts to light up. Megatron screams, and all we hear is a bellowing voice go, "I HUNGER!"

Oh and maybe there's a side story about how Sam is trying to get with all these starlets after being dumped by meagan fox, but there's this cute smart quirky government chick who likes him and he realizes he doesn't need to be grandiose in the pants or something.  Maybe she gets kidnapped, I don't know.


For it to flow better I took Sentinel Prime out of the story. See that's the difference between good directors and Michael Bay; good directors will cut parts, even parts they love, to better the flow of the overall film. Bay will stick in parts he loves, and rewrite the story to flow around it.  So if I had somehow included Sentinel Prime in my version, first I would have made him reluctant to tell the humans about his machine since with their numbers, they'd be the dominant force. Also, I would have him see the humans as a lower species.

Sam: "what was your invention?"

Sentinel Prime: "i can't remember, my...memory circuts must be frgged from being dead for so long."

Sam: "was it a space bridge?"

Sentinel Prime: "A what?"

Sam: "A space bridge. you know, something that can transport matter from one-"


Sam: "I was jsut trying to hel-"


Also, Sentinel would demand the Matrix of Leadership from Optimus, but Optimus wouldn't allow it because he knows what kind of bot he is.

Sentinel: "I think I should hold onto the Matrix now, Optimus. I am your superior commander."

Optimus: "No, you've been out of commission for too long old friend. I better hold onto it until you're back up to your full health."

Sentinel: "Well I'm at full health now-"

Optimus: "SHUT UP OLD MAN."

And that is how I would have done things.  Ok, that is it for me complaining about Transformers. What about you guys? Do you agree with my version or like the current one? Do you have some fiction of your own?

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