Friday, September 12, 2014


It's an angry week I guess, because here's another TV SHOWS TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD YOU MONSTER list. But this time we’re talking about cartoons from DC in a special DC DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ANYMORE edition!

Granted, this had a pretty good three-season run, BUT IT COULD HAVE BEEN FOUR YOU MONSTERS! OR FIVE OR SIX EVEN! THIS WAS AN AMAZING SHOW FOR KIDS HOW COULD YOU. I mean look, if you like Batman to be totally grim-dark all the time, that's fine, but you're wrong. It's cool to be dark and brooding sometimes, but other times, you just want to be fun! And this was loads of fun! This was a super fun show for kids with really good storylines. I will keep telling you how fun it is and you WILL believe me! This show made Aquaman cool! That is so impressive, how do you even do that? How many awards did this show win for making Aquaman a legit amazing character?! How did they get him so right? And it's not just Aquaman. This show’s Batman was totally prepared for anything, took crime seriously, had a car that turned into a robot, and was voiced by the spectacular Diedrich Bader! He'd spout amazing one-liners like "I'll write my own prescription – for justice!" And there were amazing storylines, like going to an alternate planet where Batman got superpowers! And one where he found the guy who murdered his parents! And an episode where the Joker was the protagonist trying to do crimes! It's such a fun series. When people try to explain away dumb shows like Avengers Assemble as being "just for kids," show them this because this was a smart and well-done show totally for kids. Unfortunately, too many fans bemoaned not having a DARK GRIM SERIOUS Batman and they canceled it to start production on a more serious show. More on that later.

This was a much more serious show than B:BATB, but it was still a boatload of fun. It dealt with the sidekicks and younger versions of established, popular heroes like Robin, Superboy, Kid Flash and Speedy, and featured really compelling story arcs for them. It had a pretty diverse cast including Miss Martian, Zatana, Artemis, and a black Aqualad. It had incredibly fluid animation with fantastically choreographed fight scenes, and a smart script with great dialogue that sounded like authentic teenage banter. It was entertaining, but more than that, it was sympathetic. In a good way. It was a show that pulled at your emotions and made you shout at your TV. It dealt with relationships, hook-ups, friendship, trauma, trust issues, body image and acceptance, and other things real teenagers go through. Like proving you’re old enough to take on a big task, or learning to rely on your friends, not stopping Intergang or sneaking into a secret underground base. It's a really well-done show, and unfortunately only got two seasons because it didn't sell enough toys. BECAUSE THAT'S WHY COMPANIES MAKE CARTOONS, TO SELL TOYS AND NO OTHER REASONS NOPE. It was a really well done, well put-together, diverse show and they CANCELED IT BECAUSE IT COULDN'T PUSH ENOUGH MERCHANDISE. Isn't that more of the ad team's fault? Nothing like punishing everyone for the fault of a few.

Wow. WOW. Who thought that a show about Green Lantern, in CGI, would ever be this good? And yet, here we are with this fantastic series. Of course, it's partially developed by Bruce Timm, so that's a big help. But yes, this is actually a great series with cool, exaggerated designs that does a pretty amazing job of introducing newcomers to the Green Lantern mythos. Most of it is centered on Hal Jordan and his small crew traveling the outer reaches of space and helping aliens in need. And it works! Mostly, it comes down to the characters. They’re great, and they interact so well with each other. Hal is easy going but brash, Kilawog is tough but loyal, Aya is a computer trying to understand the weird phenomenon of human emotion, and Razer is filled with hate. It goes to great lengths to introduce fantastical concepts like other lantern corps, the Manhunters, and even Mogo, the living planet. It's such a wonderful show! AND THEY CANCELED IT. THEY CANCELED IT RIGHT IN ITS STUPID FACE. This one I can’t even understand. They didn’t even MAKE any Green Lantern toys! Why didn't they make some?! You think kids wouldn't want a big ol' Kilawog or Hal or Aya with interchangeable parts and different green constructs?! THE POSSIBILITIES WERE ENDLESS YOU DOPES. Well they cancelled this because they wanted another Batman series that they were SURE would do well so– 

I originally hated this on principal, because this was the reason Green Lantern and Young Justice (and probably B:BATB) were canceled. But it's actually a pretty solid show! It's a new Batman, one we don't normally see, with a tougher Alfred and a cool girl sidekick. A SHOW WITH COOL STRONG BADASS GIRL SIDEKICK. YOU CANCE– actually they haven't technically canceled this one yet. They only, uh, put the show on hold and then ran the rest of the episodes on Adult Swim. On Saturday nights. At 3 AM. THREE FREAKING A.M. I am not holding my breath for a second season. It’s a real shame because it has a sleek look and a cool intro song and a Batman that isn’t as much of a machismo power fantasy in visual form, for a change. They even try to use villains you probably haven’t heard about, like Anarchy and Magpie. Which I loved, because honestly, how many Joker and Two-Face stories do you need? I'm starting to see a trend of these shows – shows that try to branch out and be more inclusive with their rosters – getting canceled. It just makes me so angry because they canceled all these shows because they wanted a new serious Batman show that can sell toys and THEY CAN'T EVEN MAKE A BATMAN SHOW WORK. YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING DC. Seriously. Well, go watch this one on Adult Swim while you can.

Okay, you got me. Technically this wasn't even a show. This was just a collection of shorts on DC's failed cartoon block, DC Nation. But honestly, WHY IS THIS NOT A SHOW?! It has Batgirl, Supergirl and Wondergirl having fun and going on adventures and SERIOUSLY THIS SHOULD BE A SHOW RIGHT NOW YOU WOULD MAKE ALL OF THE MONEY. DC, DO YOU JUST HATE MONEY? DO YOU NOT WANT TO MAKE ANY MONEY RIGHT NOW?! Let me sell this show to your audience: This show is Powerpuff Girls plus The Justice League. MAKE THIS SHOW DAMMIT. MAKE IT. MAKE IT NOW. MAKE ALL OF THE TOYS AND ACTION FIGURES AND DOLLS FOR IT. Do you know how much of a demand there is for action shows with women and girl protagonists?! SUCH A DEMAND. But no it's fine. Go make another Batman cartoon or whatever and continue to ignore a marginalized audience, DC. You, dear reader, can watch all of the fantastic shorts on Youtube. Then join me in going “UGH” in DC’s general direction.

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