Wednesday, September 10, 2014

TV SHOWS TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD YOU MONSTERS: OH GOD THINK OF THE CHILDREN: WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING MARVEL

It's time for another installment of TV SHOWS TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD YOU HEARTLESS MONSTERS. Today we have the THERE ARE CHILDREN WATCHING YOU HEARTLESS BASTARDS edition, featuring all Marvel cartoons!



This one you might not remember as it is over 10 years old, but it's still a fun series. It was supposed to be slightly based on the first Spider-Man movie, and I guess the Daredevil movie a bit, as well, since it had a black Kingpin. And it was done in CGI cel-shading animation! Remember when that first came out and it was all the rage? That was pretty cool. Sure, some of the continuity was messy, but it had a great voice cast including Neil Patrick Harris as Peter Parker! YOU CANCELED A SERIES WITH NEIL PATRICK HARRIS AS SPIDER-MAN YA DOOFS! WHO COULD YOU WANT AS SPIDER-MAN MORE THAN NPH?! Well, Donald Glover probably, but other than that, NPH is your guy. It only had one season and only got to tackle a handful of classic villains, but it was a great little series that tried to focus on a slightly older Peter in college (it was for MTV, after all) and it was fun! You should look it up to watch if you get a chance.

"Whoa, ANOTHER SPIDER-MAN SERIES?! Josh, you must be STRAIGHT TRIPPIN" is what you're probably saying. But hear me out because I'm going to drop some hard knowledge on you: Spectacular Spider-Man is the best Spider-Man cartoon of all time. OF ALL TIME. THERE, I SAID IT HATERS, HOW DOES IT FEEL?! I know a lot of people still hold the 90's Spider-Man series as the best, and hey, it still holds a certain place in my heart, but re-watch a couple of episodes and you'll see that the animation with the SUPER early 3D doesn't hold up. Plus, it is super 90's. Spectacular on the other hand, has amazing (see what I did there?) animation, great character designs, and a super amusing, cartoony style. Many times, it introduces characters and story-lines from the original comics but twists them in ways that feel new and refreshing! It also feels serious while maintaining its kid-friendliness. It actually took me awhile to get into it, but look: There is an episode where the black symbiote suit takes on the Sinister Six and it is GORGEOUS. It is fun, the voice actors are great, and the opening credits theme is super catchy, in a good way! Apparently it was canceled when the cartoon rights for Spider-Man reverted back to Marvel, but not the rights to the actual show, which stayed with Sony, which – MAN, THAT'S A JERK MOVE, SONY. And then to counter it Marvel made the Ultimate Spider-Man show, which is AWFUL. It is just GOD AWFUL AND YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED. Anyway, if you want to see the best Spider-Man series, EVER, the whole series just came out on Blu-Ray, and I think episodes are streaming.
Heeeeey buddy, remember way back when I said Spectacular Spider-Man was the best Spider-Man cartoon, and you totally thought that was blasphemy? Well, this is gonna sound like double blasphemy, because WOLVERINE AND THE X-MEN IS THE BEST X-MEN CARTOON YA PUNKERS. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. I SAID IT. Go ahead! Go watch that 90's show and tell me how well the animation holds up! Or the voice actors with questionable accents! Or better yet, go read Chris Sims recap every episode. It's a hoot. Anyways, this X-Men series has the best stories, the best animation, the best character designs, and a killer voice cast! They have an episode with Night Crawler as a swashbuckling pirate fighting intergalactic kidnappers! And Wolverine and Cyclops switch loner and leader rules! And half the show takes place in the future with Professor X using robot legs and contacting Wolverine in the past! It's uh, it's pretty out there is what I'm saying. It's such a great show. Okay, okay, X-Men: Evolution is pretty fun too, BUT AT LEAST THAT GOT 4 SEASONS. YOU PEOPLE DON'T DESERVE A GOOD X-MEN SHOW. The people who canceled Wolverine and the X-Men deserve to GET COVERED WITH SCORPIONS.

This might be the biggest injustice Marvel has done recently. Not just because Earth's Mightiest Heroes was so dang good, but because it was replaced with the incredibly horrible Avengers: Assemble. Earth's Mightiest Heroes is better than it has any right to be. It's got great character design; fun takes on classic characters like Iron Man, Hulk, Wasp, and Ant-man; really great storylines; and solid animation. And it's really funny and has a great script! There's an episode where Absorbing Man takes on the properties of Mjolnir! Sure, the series only started out with Wasp on the team, but the show passed the Bechdel test in the first five minutes of the first episode. Then there’s Assemble, and – does Black Widow even show up for most of the show? EMH had engaging storylines and did a stellar job of introducing kids and Marvel newcomers to side characters like Iron Fist, Power Man, and Ms. Marvel. And WHY did they cancel it? So they could make a new series that's slightly more similar to the movie universe, and also lines up better with the equally terrible Ultimate Spider-Man. Why? Because kids would look at the movie and then the EMH cartoon and not get THEY'RE FROM THE SAME UNIVERSE?? DO YOU THINK KIDS ARE THAT STUPID YOU MUDFLAPS?! Ugh. If you want to see a truly great Avengers cartoon, look it up. At least it got a two full seasons and a chance to do both MODOK and Galactus.


YOU ONLY GAVE ONE SEASON TO A SPIDER-MAN SHOW WHERE HE ABANDONS HIS WIFE AND GOES TO A PLANET FILED WITH ANIMAL PEOPLE AND WEIRD VERSIONS OF HIS ORIGINAL VILLAINS AND SOMETIMES HE FLIRTS WITH A RAT LADY AND actually I can kinda see why this one only got one season. But at least it had a really cool style that made it feel like a motion comic.

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