Friday, January 24, 2014

Top Ten Least Favorite Films of 2013

Ugh, these movies. THESE MOVIES, YOU GUYS. I am going to complain about them. You know, last year I made a resolution to be less negative which is why last year I didn't have a top ten worst/most-disappointing/most-annoying/movies-I-complained-about-the-most list. But it's a brand new year so poop on these! It's nice to start off the year by PURGING ALL THE HATE FROM THE LAST ONE. To start off, a few notes: I'm only doing movies I saw, which is why Smurfs 2 or anything worse isn't on here. Also, all movies get the honorary Congratulations-On-Actually-Making-A-Movie Award, because, I mean, at least that's something, right?

Congratulations have to be given to Elysium and RIPD for just barely making it out of the list. Kudos, you are slightly better than this boring mess! At least those had interesting visual styles. This is just boring. I wanted a movie where magicians used cards and doves to fight each other and pull heists! There is exactly one good scene of magic fighting and the rest is smoke and mirrors, and a terribly generic score. And I hope you don't get motion sickness because this movie has more spinning than an out-of-control merry-go-round. So much camera spinning!

I really enjoy the fight scenes and Michael Shannon as Zod, but wow, did they ever get Superman wrong. So many things wrong! They didn't want to make a Superman story so much as they wanted to make an alien invasion story. Why is Superman decimating Metropolis instead of moving the fights elsewhere? Why are they making Superman kill? Why is Jonathan Kent telling Superman to murder children? Why is being found out by the world worse than letting your father die? At least Lois Lane was a character who did stuff.

I am fairly confident that you could watch the 2009 Star Trek film, and then whatever movie they make after this one, completely forget about this movie, and it would make ZERO difference in the grand scheme of the series. They managed to cure death, but I'm sure that isn't going to be mentioned again ever. Sure, the visuals are gorgeous, but if you want to watch Wrath of Khan, just go watch Wrath of Khan. Why is there a random shot of Alice Eve in her underwear? Why have consequences if you're just going to negate those consequences five seconds later? Kirk does something dumb, gets the ship taken away, and then less than a teleport beam up later he has the ship back. Why bother? Why bother with this movie is what you should be asking yourself.

Holy crap can someone PLEASE stop giving scripts to M. Night Shyamalan? I think we can all see by now he is past his prime. No matter what way you look at it, this movie makes no sense. People don't wear helmets or gloves. The use pointed sticks as their ultimate weapon. They fight space monsters, whose whole deal is to smell fear, but for some reason no one has mastered the technology of glass walls or deodorant. It would make sense if this was a brand new system, but if your main premise is that it takes place after Earth, well, we already have stuff to combat fear-smelling monsters! It is an incredibly dumb movie. The only reason it's not higher on the list is that it features two non-white actors in a genre film and doesn't promote gun culture, and those are things that should be seen more in movies. 

No, not even God forgives this horrible movie. I really wanted to like this after seeing Drive, but – wow! – was it not worth it. Maybe Nicholas Refn should just make a noir comic because he HATES motion. This is such a weird movie that goes nowhere and feels like it's about nothing. It is a movie where a guy is killed for molesting and murdering an underage girl and people can't let his death go. Like, I don't know, maybe save that for the twist instead of making us wonder why everyone cares so much that this horrible person was killed?

If you watch the first 45 minutes of this movie, it is legitimately a good movie. If they had stopped there, if it was just Riddick hangin' out with his space dog, that probably would have been the best in the series! But then they had to keep going and make a worse remake of Pitch Black filed with more gross misogyny than – say, The Wolf of Walstreet? Yes, I'm pretty sure The Wolf of Walstreet was slightly better towards women than Riddick because Jordon Belfort never fucked a lesbian straight or repeatedly tried to rape a woman or murdered a rape victim. And then they killed the space dog. I'd rather Chronicles be in cannon than this drek.

I saw the trailer, read the reviews, and I knew there's no way this could be good, but I still had to know for myself. And I was right. The only good thing about this movie is that there was definitely not a rape in it, so good on them for that one thing. But, other than that? It is just a bad boring mess of a movie. The story is muddled garbage, the acting is not up to par, the action is bland – there's nothing good to see here. And on top of all that, it's not even a noir!

Because, I mean, at least it has Bruce Willis? Who is nigh invincible and can withstand radiation? Along with his agro son, who just has SO MANY emotions about his dad? Ugh, there's like, no plot? And John Mcclane just keeps getting into explosions for no reason while exclaiming he's on vacation? What is even going on with the story? Why do helicopters and John and the thing? Why am I ending ever sentence as if it were a question? Has this movie broken me?

2. Parker
Congratulations on making the worst and most boring version of a Parker novel. Ever. From the trailers, you might be tricked into thinking that at least there's a lot of action in this, but the brunt of it is Jason Stahtam looking at houses. Exciting! And then J Lo comes in and takes her clothes off and I don't even know why that's there. I feel like they wanted to make two different movies and failed at both. It's just so boring and disappointing and dumb. Ugh.

If you saw a trailer for the Hangover 3 and went into it thinking it's a comedy, you should 100% get your money back because that is false fucking advertising. This is not a comedy in any sense of the word. It is a sad, sad movie. It is a mediocre action movie, at best. I laughed exactly once, and that was after the credits rolled, when they did the exact same joke they did in the first two movies. No laughs, but you will get tons of animal cruelty, so that's a nice consolation prize! Fuck this movie. 

So did you agree or disagree with my list? Which movies were your least favorite and most complained about?


  1. I liked Now You See Me simply because I don't do magic and found myself shocked AND amazed.

    I am not a Superman fan. That's for the record. Now as far as Man of Steel that's the best one of the batch since Christopher Reeves. And I thought actually including Krypton was a better than just saying it was destroyed and moving on with the story. Lois was the best part.

    I don't know why I liked Star Trek: Into Darkness. It could easily be because Chris Pine is hot and nothing more.

    Space dog was the best part of Riddick.

    As for the rest, I haven't seen them and I won't be.

    1. I'm not usually a Superman fan either, and I did like the visuals of Man of Steel, I just think they got the story and character completely wrong. And hey, they did give Lois stuff to do, so that's something.

      If you like magic, you should check out The Prestige! Christopher Nolan magic movie with the guys who play Batman and Wolverine trying to out-magic each other!