Friday, January 6, 2012

10 New Year's Resolutions I wish movies would make

It's the New Year! The big twenty-dozen! Or Double-Doze for the cool kids.  Now that we're all symbolically reborn like phoenix wrights, we make our New Year's Resolutions to become better people  and work a little harder and all that crap.  Well here are ten resolutions I wish movies would make this year!

1) "I will make my trailers more accurate to the movie's style."
Look I'm sure your movie is great, but if you sell it as a high octane action movie and it is not that at all, it doesn't matter how much advertising you do, people aren't going to like it.  Do not let make them expect one thing and then give them another.  This is the problem I had with movies like Hugo and Killer Elite. Sure they were fine movies on their own merit, but they weren't action-adventure movies. Why do movie studios think all people want to see these days are mindless action movies? Transformers 3 made how much now?

2. "I will learn how to use slow-motion properly."
LOOKIN' AT YOU SNYDER.  Slow motion can be great in a movie, don't get me wrong.  It's not a bad thing in of itself, but it's like a hot fudge sundae. If you have them every once in awhile, they're great, but if you have them all the time, you get fat and they lose their amazing tasty appeal!  Use it sparingly only when you need to and it will have a much greater impact rather than slowing down the flow of your entire plot.

3. "I will stop putting adult songs in kid's movies."
Look, you want to make some horrible abomination of man and god that only children will be able to tolerate, I can understand that. But please for the love of all that is Batman, do not try to "Bring Fluffy Back."  This is what I hate about poorly made children's movies like The Smurfs and Chipwrecked. Instead of making original material they take songs clearly meant for adults and try to get them stuck in kids heads. Make up your own songs that don't have adult connotations in them.  If you're going to make fun of a song, at least have the decency to call Weird Al. The man knows his stuff.

4. "I will make sure my stories actually make sense." 
No one will care about your million dollar explosion if you don't give a us a good enough reason for it to be there. If your plot is piece of dental floss that barely holds together your overly elaborate set pieces, battles and explosions, no one is going to care.  Your plot needs to be an intricate adimantium spiderweb interconnecting every little detail so well that by the time the audience sees how everything is connected, it'll be too late. You should not leave your audience with the feeling that "this does not make sense."  If someone is reading over your script and they say, "Hey, I don't really get this..." LISTEN TO THEM. Or else you will be making a train wreck with major continuity errors

5. "I will stop using long musical sequences in movies." 
This is not a music video!  This is a movie!  When you have long sequences of action or dramatic stuff going on with rock music blaring in the background, it feels weird and breaks the flow of the story.  It should not feel like you fell in love with this song from this one band and just decided to put the whole four minute long version in, and built the movie around that. Save it for the internet, fellas. 

6. "I will not sell you crap and call it comedy of the year." 
Ok, you made this crappy movie and you thought it was going to be kinda good when you started, but now you know it's complete crap. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it. I'm not saying don't release crappy movies(that would be way too much to ask), I'm just saying dial it down on the advertising with these things.  We all knew Jack and Jill was going to be terrible, do not act like you were suddenly surprised by this.  And The Three Stooges does not need  5 TV commercials, web banners on every other website, and a billboard on every street is all I'm saying.  Just release it and let it die gracefully.

7. "I will give good movies a chance." 
On the flip-side though, remember Attack the Block, Bridesmaids, and Tucker and Dale vs Evil? those were actually good movies that would have made money! Why didn't they get more advertising? This is not the 90's where you are the only way people know about movies. In the world of the interwebs, good word of mouth travels fast!  They could have made you some real coin if you had let them!

8. "I will stop making horrible new takes on fairy tale movies." 
No one wants to see these! NO ONE! Just ask Beastly and Red Riding Hood!  Were those movies of the year? No, I'm pretty sure it was the opposite thing of that. "Oh hey, maybe we should do a sleeping beauty remake with a weird inception plot where she has to kill the evil witch in her-" NO! NO YOU SHOULDN'T!  THAT'S A HORRIBLE IDEA GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

9. "I will stop putting brand names on movies that clearly have nothing to do with that name." We all know that Battlship movie is just going to be "transformers in the water" and have next to nothing to do with the boardgame(other than one guy invariably going "You sunk my Battleship!" somewhere in the movie), and I don't even want to think about what you're doing with Stretch Armstrong or those other toy and boardgame movies.  But look at Real Steel. It could have easily been the 'rock em sock em robots' movie with just a title change and one character yelling "You knocked his block off!" And everyone would have just LOST THEIR SHIT over it. But they didn't do that, they made their own thing! It was a nice little robot smashy movie that hit all the right parts and everyone went home happy. 

10. "I will figure out what movies women want instead of just telling them what they want." 
We get it, you have no fucking clue what women want in a movie.  You made movies just for guys and movies just for girls, and that worked for a while, but this is 2012 and you need to get your shit together. Stop putting in "strong female leads" that are just guy eye candy(guy candy, if you will). Stop saying you're uplifting women when you're really degrading them. Stop thinking they only want to see romantic comedies and the only thing they care about is finding a man. And STOP. MAKING. TWILIGHT.

That's it for my resolutions I'd want them to make. What would your resolutions for movies or the movie industry be? 

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